1. I wish my wallet came with free refills
  2. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do
  3. As your friend, I will always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing
  4. Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow
  5. You’ll never truly know a woman until she is drunk and mad at you
  6. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort
  7. When you get angry, take a breath and count to 10. Throw a punch at 8. No one expects that
  8. If I won the laziness award, I’d ask someone to go and get it for me
  9. Before you marry a person make them use a computer with slow internet service to see who they really are
  10. My children love my mother, but I tell them she is not the same woman I grew up with. She is an old woman trying to get into heaven now